The Sign

There are times in our lives when we are faced with decisions that fracture our psyche...this for me is one of those times...I've decided to share a part of my life that again defines who I am. Based upon the selfless support I've witnessed between bloggers I am hopeful this information is received by my dear blogger friends in the spirit in which it is intended.

You have read where I am the Mother of 3 children...you've read about my daughters and as of yet not much about my son, my first born. Born into my life he was beautiful, crystal blue eyes, blond curly hair, full of energy and life. He grew rapidly to his full height of 6'2", he was strong and gentle, he loved and he was loved...

April 5, 1999 my son took his life.

Those of you who have also experienced the loss of a loved one, be it friend or family already feel the shared kinship of grief I am experiencing now.

Eleven years since his death versus the 21 that I shared with my son...eleven years that seem like eleven lifetimes and yet his 21 years of life seem like a millisecond.

From the time I was told of my son's suicide through the funeral every moment is still a blur. An unmedicated, pain filled, disbelief defined blur. I remember thinking there was an error in the medical and legal identification...someone would come and tell me that there was a mistake and my son would again walk up to me to hug me and gently kiss my cheek...but it was not to be.

During the first couple of days after his funeral...I walked through life questioning everything...understanding nothing...struggling to define a "New" normal for my daughters as they would look to me as an example of dealing with this horrific loss...I am still unable to find words to wrap around my emotions then and now...

I remember feeling totally hopeless...Mr. B asked me to accompany him on one of our no destination drives...sure, why not...I told Mr. B that I needed to find a reason to believe in living and why my son felt it was his time to die...at his own hand...

We drove out to the country. I sat in the car mindlessly looking out the passenger window...nothing could take me away from my total utter desolation with life...I did not cry...I would not allow myself to feel...I doubted everything...My soul was dying and I cared not for myself or life...

Then slowly as we drove deeper into the country I began to see color...

There were rock outcroppings with small onion grass white blossoms, there were pink buttercup flowers, there were purple blossoms embedded in the new growth and then a few...just a very few blue bonnets. I sat up and began to actively pray within myself....asking the whys? Asking if my son was safe? Asking if I would ever see him again?

I boldly asked from my heart for a sign that my son was with God in his Heaven and at peace finally....

Mr. B turned down a winding caliche lane, bordered with scrub trees, no homes, no lights and yet filled with green and all the natural spring wildflowers here and there...then

We saw the end of the road ahead...a circle turn about...as we entered the circle I continued asking God for a sign and as we rounded the final part of the turn about...to my right was a meadow filled with Indian Paintbrush wildflowers...a vibrant field of red...the blossoms blowing in the springtime breeze...the meadow untouched and serene...Mr. B stopped the car...I sat and watched this field of flowers and then I wept...for the loss of our beloved son...the brother to his beloved sisters...and I thanked God for my sign...

So bear with me as for the next few days I may take a break to remember the good times I shared with our son, some of which I will share, at a later date. During this annual emotional pilgrimage I usually tear up, I weep for the loss of our son but I choose to believe our son went from my loving arms to God's loving arms where he is held safe until we meet again.

Thank you for your time and understanding during this part of my journey through life, we as a family have survived...though forever changed...thankful for our 21 years with our son and brother...and awaiting God's promise of eternal life in his Heaven to be reunited with all of our passed loved ones.